Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Reflections

Three years, next week...has it been that long already? The memories come; it seems like yesterday at times. The feelings, the emotions, the pictures in my head--they all wear on me.

I can still see her face. I can still feel her weight on my chest. I see those perfect, little fingers...perfect, yet, lifeless. Those beautiful eyes, forever closed. That perfect, rosebud mouth, forever silent. Yet, how her memory stays alive in my mind!The sights, the sounds, the smells of spring...they used to be heralds of a beautiful, happy time of year. Now, they bring sadness. They remind of a baby girl "born an angel."

Will I allow these thoughts to overwhlem me this time? Will I lose myself once again in sorrow and grief? Is this how I will always remember her...with grief and tears? Will there never be smiles and laughter?

There can be...I know that. I've even had that! Yet, once again this time of year brings difficult news, difficult situations. Will I forget the good, in light of the weighty matters?O, Lord, may it not be so!

Bring to mind my wonderful memories of carrying her, of sharing little moments with Steven, moments only he and I have with her. Help me to remember her moving within me, full of life and promise! Help me remember those nights spent lying awake dreaming of my firstborn! Help me to recapture the joys of that time!

Above all, help me to feel your overshadowing love for me. Remind me that death is NOT the end. One day, dear Lord, one day....

Jesus, hold my little one close and kiss her for me. Tell her how much she is missed and loved. How I long for the day when I will join her in praising and worshipping You. The day when all this pain and sorrow will be left behind, and truly, only joy remain!

Enable me now to keep on, to be strong, to love the son You have allowed me to keep. How precious he is. What a gift! What an answer to my cries! Show me how to be a strength, a help to the man I love, as he too grieves our daughter. May Your love and grace sourround and uplift us over the next few days.

Thank you Father, for all your promises-- promises fulfilled, promises to come! Thank you for redemption, for adoption, for salvation, for Your Son my Saviour! May I never lose sight of the bigger picture! Hold close to my heart the knowledge of YOUR Child's life and death and all it accomplishes for me. I love you , Lord.

5 comments:

Dawn Horner said...

Bekah, Wow, I think of her all the time and wonder if you think of her too. Now I know. She is always in my thoughts, which leads me to think of you, and then I think of Ryan and what a blessing and joy he is! I can't even begin to imagine your pain but I think it's beautiful that you have those special moments you can remember..If I know anything about you, you won't forget...neither will I..I remember being blessed with the opportunity to hear an angel's heart beat..and it was beautiful!! Just wanted you to know I think of you all and Abigail all the time and I love you.

Rebekah said...

Thank you Dawn. There are times that words cannot express...today is one of those days. SO, simply, thank you.
I love you too.

Patrick G. Horner II said...

You made me cry for her again, Lil' sis. I will alway remember seeing her tiny face and those tiny fingers, seeing you and Steven holding so tightly to each other.
Your brothers, pallbearers, sharing your grief, overwhelmed....after carrying beautiful Abigail to the hearse, crying and clinging to each other, emptying our pain onto each others shoulders.
We will always be with you in your grief...but always encourage your hope to be joined with her again.

For my sister...

The light has gone from her eyes,
and the wind gone from my sails.
but one day, beyond the skies,
I will hold sweet Abagail.

I will always love you sis.

Rebekah said...

Thank you, my big brother! I've often wondered if any one you still think about Abigail. I'm glad that she had an impact in your life as much as she had in ours. Love you so much!

Linda Villarreal said...

Hi Rebekah,
I remember when I first heard about Abigail, and it reminded me of how dear Lauren and Deanna were to me when they were born.I remember how grateful I was to the Lord that they were born healthy and how much we take that for granted. And now with my little 5 mo. old granddaughter, Lilly,I am once again awakened to that overwhelming love and tenderness that I felt towards my daughters when they were babies.Knowing that feeling once again, everytime I look at Lilly, I feel as though I can enter in even more now, than at first, to all the emotions you expressed toward your precious little one.My heart aches with you!I think I understand a little bit more, your pain. I am thankful that you know the Lord, and know where to turn for renewed comfort.